


I Know I'll Hate You Someday, But I Love You Tonight

by Mocha_Flavored_Jelly_Beans



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Infidelity, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-03-08 16:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3215489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mocha_Flavored_Jelly_Beans/pseuds/Mocha_Flavored_Jelly_Beans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Materialism:<br/>[Noun] Preoccupation with/or emphasis on material objects ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just things

_I Know I’ll Hate You Someday, But I Love You Tonight_

_By Mocha Flavored Jelly Beans_

It started with a couch, and it ended with one.

“They’re just things. They’re just things. They’re just _THINGS_!” Jack had been saying it, thinking it, and yelling it for well over a month now and he was finally coming around to doing something about it. Yes they _were_ just things, or rather, they _should_ have been just things, but everything he had now, had once upon a time (four months ago, though it felt like a century) belonged to the two of them. Jack couldn’t help looking around the apartment and remembering; as though everything in here was somehow an extension of the two of them and all the time they’d spent together.

_Jamie._

Jack couldn’t stop thinking about him, but whenever he did, the heaviness built up behind his eyes and deep within his chest making it hard to breathe, it would eventually coil its way around his stomach and settle there; it felt every bit as hopeless and revolting as it sounded. It made him feel ill and truth be told, if he thought about it long enough he would, in fact, end up vomiting. For awhile, to take the edge off, he’d stopped eating. Not eating had eventually made him prone to even more nausea in addition to spells of dizziness. He often wasn’t hungry, but it wasn’t worth it to not eat, Jack had finally decided after blacking out quite a few times.

His pain outweighed his disgust, which surprised him to no end because Jack had always thought he was so strong.

When had he allowed himself to be broken?

It’d been systematic; he could see it now that he was away from Jamie and could begin to dissect their relationship objectively.

Jack mostly just wondered what it was he had done wrong, which he knew wasn’t exactly rational, but that couldn’t be helped. He’d tried so hard to be what Jamie wanted, and to walk away with nothing was a huge blow, especially to his self esteem. If he had just been good enough for him, none of this would have happened.

Sometimes Jack thought maybe he’d given Jamie too much freedom, but that thought sounded abusive and Jack was ashamed it had even crossed his mind. Especially considering Jamie had never wanted to let Jack go anywhere and he’d gone stir crazy, thinking that there was something wrong with him. Not to mention the loneliness it brought. Jack felt so isolated.

Jamie got jealous and possessive every time Jack tried to go anywhere or talk to people. He was naturally open and friendly, which was what had drawn Jamie to him in the first place (or so he’d said) but then hadn’t wanted Jack to be himself. Every time Jack told him he’d made a new friend, or tried to tell him all about the time he’d spent with anyone else, Jamie would give him the _look._

It was hard to describe the look; it was disinterested, angry, and slightly predatory. Jack hadn’t understood at all.

Trying to put the same restrictions on Jamie had made him lash out in his anger and Jack didn’t really want to provoke him any more than he had to. Asking Jamie where he was going and who he was texting was an automatic invite into being screamed at. In all honestly a mad Jamie, was very much like a cornered vicious animal; he could be violent and unpredictable, but most of all he was just plain scary.

 Jamie had told Jack that he couldn’t control him, and Jack hadn’t wanted to argue the point. Of course Jack couldn’t control Jamie, but why was it so easy for Jamie to control him? Jack blamed himself, he’d forgotten who he was and had let all the fun be sucked out of him.

There were days when he thought maybe he was returning to normal and other days when he felt so empty he’d grab at himself, raking his nails all over his skin, to make sure he was real and that his entire existence wasn’t just some demented illusion.

The blood made it real.

Jamie had accused him of changing, and Jack hadn’t bothered to tell Jamie it was his own fault that Jack was different. Instead, he apologized until he actually blamed himself too. He tried not to think of how much he actually had changed, and that he didn’t like himself anymore. Even with Jamie gone, Jack was still different, which bothered him (like everything else seemed to these days), he was stressed and he felt as though it was probably time for him to snap out of it, his inability frustrated him so much he imagined that banging his head repeatedly into a wall might help get his brain back on track. The resulting headache was at least a good distraction while it lasted.

Jack hadn’t wanted the near constant fighting, he wanted it to be how it was when they had first met, and had gone everywhere they could possibly think to go, just to spend time together.

It started with a couch, and it ended with one.

The couch had been ugly, hideous actually being a better word to describe it; it was a blue so light, it could have been grey with a ruffled silk skirt that didn’t match the tweed material the rest of it was made out of. It was lumpy and uncomfortable but it was big and it was inexpensive (go figure, no one in their right mind would pay more than fifty bucks). Jack was dead set on fixing it, and when Jamie, his roommate at the time, had agreed to let him try his hand at reupholstering Jack thought he’d die of excitement. Creating things always made him feel extraordinary, part of something.

Jack’s previous apartment (the only one close enough to his job that he could afford by himself) had been lost in a fire. Jack had been devastated, and had reminded himself that things could be replaced, but he could not; it had helped him cope with the loss of every single thing he owned. There was something about losing everything that almost made him feel worthless, and disconnected. When he had found a new apartment, the insurance from his old apartment had helped him pay rent for the first few months, but Jack had known he’d need a roommate if he wanted to keep his new place.

He’d been wary about putting an ad on the internet, thinking he would end up being stalked in the long run, but he didn’t know how else he would be able to quickly find a roommate, and his time had began running out before he knew it.

He’d been like a breath of fresh air after some of the other candidates; which included but were not limited to a man (Kevin) who wanted to bring all five of his cats, whose names all started with the letter ‘K’. Kathy, Kris, Koba, Kline, and Kreature (he was proud enough to spell them for Jack). Clever.

Jamie seemed normal enough; he was the manager of an arcade downtown, had his own car, and was so friendly Jack didn’t see how it couldn’t work out. Jack was an extravert, he was very aware of his need to connect with people, and Jamie, it seemed, was the same way; easy and out-going.

Jack was an artist, he liked to make things with his hands, but he’d landed a job as a resident photographer for a newspaper and wasn’t complaining. It didn’t give him as much artistic license as he wanted, but it paid the bills, except of course, his new rent.

Jack didn’t really have any furniture when Jamie moved in, and Jack was ecstatic when Jamie had suggested that they pick furniture together and split the costs.

They’d ended up at a thrift store (a place Jack had found after the fire, to replace his clothes and appliances, like a _much needed_ coffee machine).

That was where they had seen the couch.

The couch they would kiss on two weeks later, after jack had turned it into a masterpiece. He’d stripped it and reupholstered it (adding foam meant to cover a mattress for extra comfort) in a cream colored material that was way cheaper than it looked. When he’d added pillows that he’d covered with old thrift store sweaters (complete with elegant buttons he’d sewed on) he’d been very proud indeed. It was chic, if he did say so himself.

“Well, it looks great! I really didn’t think you had it in you, buddy, but I’m gonna have to test it before I make my final decision.” They’d agreed that if Jamie didn’t like it when Jack was finished, he was allowed to pick the new couch.

Jamie sat on it, playfully moving his bottom from side to side, “gotta get a feel for it.” he’d told Jack, who had sat on it long before Jamie had gotten home from work and knew it was a keeper.

“Well I _guess_ it can stay,” Jamie had winked playfully, to let Jack know that he was playing.

In his excitement, Jack had hugged Jamie, throwing himself onto the couch beside him. They were both surprised, and Jack was embarrassed. They’d never touched so intimately; just the occasional fist bump and shoulder nudge. Jack looked at Jamie quickly, to gauge just how far he’d overstepped when Jamie kissed him. Quick and hard, the kiss knocked the breath out of Jack, which he barely registered, because he simultaneously lost control of everything else, his brain included, and fell off of the couch.


	2. Lesson Learned

“Whoa I know it’s a nice couch, but I didn’t know it’d be a total babe magnet!” Jack joked, picking himself up off of the floor to sit beside Jamie. His joke diffused his embarrassment, but he could still feel the heat in his cheeks and he knew he was bright red.

“As long as I’m the only babe that gets to be on this couch with you, no problem.” Jamie told him. Jack hadn’t known at the time that he was serious.

They spent the night talking on the couch; in the morning Jack couldn’t remember a single word that had been spoken. They had talked about everything they could possibly think of, and nothing at all, and Jack had found himself completely lost in Jamie’s dark eyes. He wondered whether or not Jamie was thinking of kissing him again.

When they went to say goodnight, and go to their own bedrooms, Jack could have _sworn_ Jamie’s eyes lingered on his lips, but he didn’t lean in.

Jack was conflicted about the whole encounter; part of him didn’t want to ruin what he thought might turn into a stellar friendship. Another part of him wanted Jamie to press into him and kiss his breath away (preferably on the couch, but Jack would settle for being pushed against the wall). Then there was the part of him that really wanted to take it slowly with Jamie, because he wanted to be mature and do this the right way. He was aware that in real life, things didn’t always work like in a romantic comedy, and that having his head in the clouds was a bad idea; but he needed someone to tell that to his over-excited heart and the butterflies in his stomach.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

There had been some very good times with Jamie, at least in the beginning. If Jack could look past all of his heartbreak, and remember that there was a time when Jamie actually was worth it; he might find the strength to take what he’d gained from the experience, instead of focusing on what he’d lost.

Jack, who was always looking for an opportunity to connect with people, relished in the fact that Jamie was no artist. That meant time could be spent teaching him. There were enough easy projects on the internet to keep their interest, and despite his best efforts, Jack always imagined their time together edited into a romantic movie montage with 80s music. They hand painted canvas for the wall (mostly Jack, Jamie joking that he couldn’t paint, but was there for moral support), decorated old lampshades, and dip-dyed cushions for their new fancy couch. They covered end tables (found at the thrift store, of course) in cheap wallpaper and their living room was beautiful.

Jack believed it was _extra_ beautiful, because it looked like them. As an artist, Jack knew what it was to reach into himself and create something that reflected what he always thought of as pieces of his soul.

Looking at everything they’d done together, made Jack feel like their souls had connected, and that was why it was so hard to be in that place without Jamie.

Jamie, who had been so open and supportive when they’d first started dating.

Jamie, who used to make Jack breakfast and bring it into his room.

Jamie, who would shower Jack in soft kisses, if he pretended to sleep.

Jamie, who was always ready for an adventure, and liked to get in the car and drive until they found something fun to do.

They’d gotten into Jamie’s car once, and drove until they were almost to the end of town, where they’d found the quirkiest little museum that was filled with strange worldly artifacts, it was no _Ripley’s_ but they had both been fascinated with the exhibits. Jack’s favorite part, though he would never admit to it, was the fact that every time they saw anything grotesque Jamie would make a joke about Jack.

When they walked past a case full of tribal masks and Jamie saw one that was supposed to be used to ward off evil spirits (and it looked like it was quite capable; covered in strange markings, human blood, and real hair) Jamie nicely asked Jack if they’d paid to use his likeness.

Jack laughed even harder when Jamie suggested that Jack sue, because it was ‘so obviously based on him.’

“It could be a photograph” Jamie told him through his own laughter.

When they’d seen an animal that couldn’t have ever existed in real life and was, to put it mildly, disgusting, Jamie said in surprise, “Jack, I’m hurt, you didn’t tell me you worked here!”

Jack had thought it was hilarious and a special memory to cherish. He imagined them, married with children, and retelling the story, ‘One day, we went to this crazy museum, and Jamie wouldn’t stop making fun of me, I almost had to break up with him.’ It would have been cute and funny in context, because Jack was not actually expecting them to break up. They had gotten along so well in the beginning.

If Jack were being honest, he missed Jamie. He did wonder sometimes, how much of the Jamie he’d seen in the beginning, was an actual person. Jack didn’t think he was delusional and making people up, but he thought maybe Jamie had been. Had Jamie shown Jack his best self on purpose just to win him over? Or had he really been that wonderful and had changed in the few months that they had been together? Jack would never know, because even if he had enough fortitude to ever speak to Jamie again (which he didn’t think he did), he couldn’t trust him to tell the truth.

Jamie was a liar, and Jack could never trust him again. Which had been his exact last words to Jamie after he had walked into their apartment and had caught Jamie with someone else; on the couch that Jack had put his soul into fixing for the two of them.

Jack had sworn loudly and savagely. Jamie had tried to lash out on Jack as though he were not to blame for the confused Australian that was sitting on their couch and whose lips had been all over Jamie just seconds before.

To his credit, the man tried to apologize, but Jack hated him too much to listen. He was hurt and confused and jealous of the way his green eyes blazed out of his rugged face and drew you in. Jack wished he had enough time to study him, to find his flaws and make himself feel better; he simultaneously wanted this man out of his sight and out of his house. _Our house_. Jack’s mind whispered to him and it struck his heart and his stomach and his head all at once.

“I thought you were working late!” Jamie said and Jack almost hit him for having the audacity to try and defend his actions in such a way. Jack had in fact worked late, to edit some photos, and had been excited to come home and relax.

“Oh my apologies Jamie, next time I’ll work later so you can cheat all you like.” Jack was proud he had held it together long enough for some sarcasm to escape. It made him feel much stronger than he really felt. He gestured with his hands, to ask, mockingly, if that would work better for Jamie, and wasn’t sure how he felt about Jamie’s inability to answer. He knew no answer could possibly be good enough or placate him, but he kind of wanted to hear what Jamie had to say for himself, and he wanted Jamie to feel small enough to beg for forgiveness.

“Couldn’t wait after all, eh?” Jack asked Jamie, and he hoped the hurt look that quickly shadowed his features was genuine.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Afterward, Jack would start to remember the bad things and think that he should have paid better attention at the time. Once, they had been sitting in Jack’s room, watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Jamie had just quipped about Chris Evans and all those muscles. Jack was jealous, but the two of them had already had a conversation about Jamie looking at other people. It had boiled down to, ‘if I wanted to be with someone else, I would’ and Jack, uncomfortable as he was, hadn’t argued the point. He worked hard to remind himself that he was going to be mature in this relationship, and he tried to be reasonable. Jamie wasn’t with anyone else; obviously he liked Jack so why was he so hurt? Not to mention Jamie’s chances of cheating with Captain America were, if Jack were being mature and reasonable, nonexistent.

So he’d let it slide.

He wondered if Jamie tried to make him jealous to maneuver his way into Jack’s pants.

It works, doesn’t it? Make someone feel like they have something to prove, and it’s easy to manipulate them. He understood this truth in an abstract way, where it hadn’t yet touched him and he didn’t fully understand the implications. Like seeing violence on television, and then having it happen outside of your door. When it’s personal, you really get it. Jack learned that he could be manipulated (thought he hadn’t seen it at first) but he’d told Jamie he wasn’t ready for sex, and when it was all over, he was very grateful he hadn’t yielded. Jamie had assured him that Jack was worth waiting for, and he’d trusted Jamie enough to believe him.

Jack hadn’t had many relationships and therefore, he hadn’t known until he’d caught Jamie, what it was to be betrayed by a partner; or how such an act could destroy you. He ached in places he hadn’t thought possible, and he found himself completely disillusioned with the world around him, he hadn’t known people were actually capable of such malice; it made him feel very insignificant. Everyone thinks highly of themselves, naturally. It isn’t until something or someone makes you feel worthless that you realize that maybe you are not as important as you thought you were. The reality of it hurt and it was a lesson he really wished he hadn’t had to learn.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok i hope this is a fair representation of what it is like to be with an emotionally abusive partner.... its pretty much how it was for me, many years ago when i was with mine .. though he did cheat on me, i never walked in on it... thank God .. but hopefully this was believable enough ... let me know what you guys think please :) and the last chapter will be up soon and we get to see some Pitch/ Jack ... my favorite. :)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking this will be in 3 parts, but i'm not sure yet.  
> please know that this fanfic was inspired by an 'FML' post.  
> feel free to comment and tell me what you think so far =]


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